Wake Up and Write, or at Least Wake Up (The Sad Life)

Hey you,

Let me start today with a quote, because the best words are often someone else’s.

“Even the smallest victory is never to be taken for granted. Each victory must be applauded, because it is so easy not to battle at all, to just accept and call that acceptance inevitable.”

Audre Lorde

I almost wish I’d found this yesterday, when I was talking about letting myself down. I accepted that failure was the norm. That was just who I was. Today I’m going to write about something I don’t share with many people.

It’s about struggling to get out of bed every day and why, some days, that’s enough.

Today’s prompt is about waking up early (I didn’t). Some days waking up feels like my greatest victory of the day. Getting out of bed, and making myself do something. Get dressed. Go for a walk. Eat something. Be alive for a reason. Once, after one of the most difficult experiences of my life, I wrote in my journal “I’m Alive For A Reason“. That was 2013 and I still don’t know this reason.  I’m 35 years old, and I still struggle with figuring out why I should wake up every day.

Don’t get me wrong. I have many positive things happening in my life. But the brain questions everything. Stresses about everything. Questions why you’re here and not there. How could you let this happen. Why should you bother trying? It goes on and on, and sometimes it’s not pretty.

I’m not going to claim expertise or wisdom about anything. I’m not a doctor. I’m not officially diagnosed with any ailments. I thought about going into a long winded blurb about depression and/or suicide. I recently lost an acquaintance to suicide, and part of me wants to honour her memory by talking about it, but I don’t feel like I have that privilege, since I didn’t know her as well as I should have (regrets)… This is not the time or place for me to talk about that.

Today, ironically, it’s a little difficult for me to write about this because I feel disconnected from the part of me that walks under a cloud most of the time. Taking a step back and viewing this from the outside makes me realize how people who don’t experience it constantly can’t possibly understand this feeling. I don’t mean once in a while feeling down while you’re otherwise lovin’ life. I mean waking up every day under a cloud. The struggle that so many people go through just showing up every day. Just imagine that your whole life felt impossible. But, actually don’t try to imagine that. No one wants people to feel that way.

There have been a couple of times in the past few years that I recall feeling actual freedom and happiness. It made me cry. I could feel it in every part of my body. I was light. My choices made sense. My life made sense. Everything was going to be ok. You can handle it. Nothing was wrong… until happiness made me cry. Well that doesn’t make sense – you probably say. So, why? Because I finally knew what I was missing out on. It usually does feel like there is a cloud following me around, blocking my ability to be present, grateful, confident, proud, to be myself. There are fleeting moments of hope, when I think I can do something. Like the other day, for example, when I accepted this challenge. I can do this! It will be so great! I’ll accomplish so many wonderful things!

Will I though? Will this be worth waking up for? Oh, there it is. There’s that doubt. Ok, everything’s in balance now. Everything’s fine.

My point, beyond rambling, is just this… sometimes, despite what everyone tries to tell you, you can’t choose your thoughts. Try though… TRY to choose happiness. Let it happen. Don’t doubt it. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to celebrate the little victories. And you’re allowed to be sad. Both are ok… Wait… brb. I think I need to go watch Inside Out again. 😉

♥ Daphne

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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pug photo by Matthew Wiebe @ unsplash
Raincloud – unknown source. Joy/Sadness from Pixar, of course.